The Hills Have Eyes -- 2006 -- R

Ok, so we have another remake; this one of a classic film originally directed by Wes Craven from the late 70's about cannibals living in the radiation drenched desert of New Mexico (I believe).

This one got weird from the get-go with some old guy wandering around hollering for "Ruby." Well, in short order, we get a collection of odds and ends including an ear, and our protagonists stop into his gas station. In typical horror movie fashion (and completely unlike reality), everyone gets out of the vehicles (a truck with a full fifth wheel camper in tow) including the dogs which, of course, need to be chased down. It's kind of an annoying scene overall, but hey, it's really the only development we get for most of these people.

At the end, we get our catalyst for the whole film. Old guy says take this road that's not on the map; it's a shortcut. Me? I would have said thanks but no thanks, but our big man in the driver's seat putts himself and his family down a completed deserted dirt road in the middle of no where from a highway leading through the middle of nowhere, and of course, they end up crashing from from strategically placed spikes in the road that blow out all of the tires and send the truck careening into a nearby rock. Now they're trapped.

What's the first thing they do? Split up. That's right, it's a horror movie, so they split up. One goes down the road to see how far it goes...seriously. The other heads back to the gas station. Me? I'd've seen four blown out tires and no evidence of what did it and suspect something is up. Then again, I'd've never gone down that road to begin with in a truck towing a camper. Anyway, everyone else stay at the camper in the blistering heat.

As could be expected a dog escapes and runs across the desert to its timely demise. The boy chases said dog; I would have let the dog run...they come back. The boy discovers the dog gutted, flips out, and tells no one...even when he insists they all sleep together in the camper, and the married couple wants to sleep in the truck...even then, he doesn't tell. "He didn't want to freak everyone out," he says later.

Now, the move that ruined the whole movie in believability. I tell you this because this film is really not worth renting. The cannibals get into the camper and find the cute teenager. They want a piece of her, even though mom is sleeping in the camper too. You ready for this? The teenager gets a little scream out. They use a remote to light up dear old dad some distance away (cause they captured him at the gas station). Mom gets up and runs out the door WITHOUT NOTICING THE TEEN OR EVEN LOOKING HER DIRECTION. This is a mobile tube and mom didn't notice their visitors or that her daughter was in danger. I just laughed at this because it was so unbelievable. And then, to top that off, these guys are working on doing their business with her, her brother-in-law comes back into the camper for something (I forget what), says something to her quickly, and leaves ALSO WITHOUT NOTICING HER PERIL. This should have been one of the most horrific and suspenseful scenes in the film, but I just could not accept that no one would notice someone in trouble less than 10 feet away.

So, the film was pretty much destroyed for me from there. People die. The baby is kidnapped (yeah, they put a little baby in the film) so the brother-in-law has to look for his child in the freak town of the cannibals. He takes the living dog with him. Good move, in my opinion. Then, he stashes the dog somewhere when he enters the house with the baby. Idiot. Dogs count as, like, two people in a fight.

They have one of the cannibals' wakie talkies...and then use it with the camper's CB to communicate. Um, hello? The cannibals have the walkie talkies...they can hear you.

Finally, the guy gets the baby (the first time), and tries to exit the house back through the front door instead of at least trying the window for a quicker, safer escape. If the window is stuck, then fine, but he didn't even try it.

This film was a case of characters jumping through hoops to ensure they follow the plot only and not do what people logically do. Most of it is completely unbelievable and the suspense was almost impossible to get into as a result. Not as bad as "Manos" The Hands of Fate or Scary Movie 2, but it's down there.